heavy thoughts going on over here today. I have noticed we all have a healthy dose of why me. For the most part, what happens to us in life is a result of choices we have made...unless you are filled with the Holy Spirit, and then you have a big ole dose of grace hitting you and tipping the balances in your favor.
One thing most of my online friends don't know about me as I have an unhealthy delight in scandal. I obsessively put my head together with one friend or another and talk excitedly over the bad choices I see people making daily. Its pretty transparent that somehow I feel like a better person when I can point out the foibles of my fellow man. In reality although I keep coming back to it like picking an ugly scab, it really makes me sick when I do it.
Bad behavior aside on my part, I sure do have alot of fodder for that bad habit. Instead of spending so much time seeking "poor me" status from those who will listen, it would be time better spent to think a bit about how we got where we are, and weighing the benefits of a do over. We all seem pretty good at pointing the finger at the thing or person or circumstance that is making our lives hell, and not so good at seeing how we play a part in it, past, present and future.
When I look at the irritants in my life; because honestly I don't feel like I have anything in my life that ranks any higher than a mild irritant, praise be to God, it doesn't take long for me to see the part I play in each situation. I am not a victim in any of the situations, I just have hard choices to make and I'd rather not make them out of a misguided belief that where I'm at is better than where I would be after making those choices.
We all have real "tragedies" in our lives. Some seem more "legitimate" than others. One acquaintance had a stroke which left her without use of part of her body, I mean certainly that gives her a right to our sympathy, right? And yet is that really what she wants? Is the role of victim what she seeks? Is that label how she wants to be known?
When some people find out I'm a homeschool mom I get to hear a wide variety of victim speak. They could never do that. They can hardly stand their children during the summer break. They would never survive on one income. They were never really trained on how to be a part-time parent much less a full-time one. In one swift moment they declare themselves a victim of stupidity, children they dislike and under the slave trade of money. I'm guessing that isn't really what they mean. I'm always curious why they feel the need to justify that they have chosen not to homeschool. I mean its not like I look at them funny or ask them to explain. I respect their choice as much as my own.
Which leads me to the second thing I've been contemplating this week. A good friend, one who often divines and speak the truth, walked with me this week and we were talking about guilt. We have several joint friends who approach issues in their past with a deep seated feeling of guilt, wishing that they had handled things already over in a different manner. I commented on how that is really not my approach and that when I find a hurt from my past I rush to give it to God and seek healing from it. She offhandedly commented, "yeah, you instead operate out of bitterness" OUCH! And yet, YEP. Nail on the head and all of that. Of course I think I know what bitterness means, but I looked up the definition anyway---one definition is "marked by resentment or cynicism." Resentment means "indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance." Pretty much a template for the attitude of a victim. Sigh.
While we were walking and talking, I started thinking about "good enough". God sees us through "rose colored" glasses. He's not duped into believing something that isn't true, He's just powerful enough to see what is true, that we cannot conceive of. He sees past the victim mentality, the bitterness, to the full potential we have. I gotta be honest and say sometimes I wish He couldn't do that. There are many areas in my life that need major renovation. I know it, and even know a little bit about how to get from here to there. But I'm comfortable. Sure these falling down parts of my life irritate me from time to time, when I can't button my pants or I speak sarcastically to my husband or I look the other way when we are having money troubles, but hey, if I look around at others long enough I'll find enough evidence that I'm at least in the middle of the pack, so why reach higher?
Now would be a great place to insert a rah rah statement about how I'm gonna change and I'm gonna fight to be better, but this is my blog and I refuse to lie to you. At this point I see the problem, I'm ashamed of it, but I still can't seem to see that I have what it takes to move on. Not because I'm a victim of anything other than my own laziness. As I was praying about this the other day a thought came to me - "You don't have much time left to drift along half done. Pretty soon events are going to require more of you." How sad that I seem content to wait until it seems necessary.